The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x![]()
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!