the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
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The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.