the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
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Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
