The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.