Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.