Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

What the hell is going on?

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.