The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
jesus, what did this guy do
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.