Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing