The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Not today
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby