Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”