Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.