The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday