The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.