Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

It has been 3 years since Monday.

The dark side of Canada

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

😂

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

ㅤ

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature