Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Aaaa…CHOO!

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money