The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
pictures of spider-man
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
just witnessed a drug deal
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.