The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane