The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.

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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.


Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy


Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.


Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark


News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*


DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.


Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.


How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?


Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.


Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me