@lwhit_the_boss

The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.

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@KevinFarzad

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.

@sonictyrant

Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@2tickytacky

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

@AdamBroud

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me