@lwhit_the_boss

The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.

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@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.

@Gupton68

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

@mc_funbags

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.