why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
me: I lost the boy
me: at the burrito stand
me: I turned around for a second
me: and then for a third
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.