You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
was Jim off killing horses or…
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later