Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

New mindset, who dis?

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

What?!?

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.