Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”