“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My Indian name is dances without coordination.