The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.