Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.