The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?