The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The human personality is made of five key elements
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.