The Weeknd is back
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The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
🛁
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
kinda fun if literal: earwigs