The Weeknd is back
You Might Also Like
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.