Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.