The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
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Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
This makes total sense…
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.