The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.