Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

this is a sign that you need a union

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

We will use anything but the metric system

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

i meant to share this earlier

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?