‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
LMAO
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together