‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
From my Mom
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.