Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it