Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

I need to update my racial profile.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

I cannot call her anything else now

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Not today. 😅

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct