the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*