the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
me and the Superbowl rn
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?