The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
You Might Also Like
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.