The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome