Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

never ask a starfish for directions

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Covid like

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon