Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what