Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming