Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super