Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
this is how life feels