The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
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6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*