The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.