The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”