The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.