The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
weddings should have a worst man
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
#Caturday
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing