Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

I hate when that happens.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows