Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car