Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.