The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*