Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Man these end times are taking forever

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo