The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.