Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

ㅤ

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Bruh

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

The Book. The Movie.