The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
let’s discuss
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Lmaoo 😂
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.