The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Well, this is awkward
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”