Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes