the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.