the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.