The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*exercises sarcastically*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.