The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Today is “National Working Naked Day.” If you work near heavy machinery or with children, I suggest that you don’t participate.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok