The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
In space, no one can hear…
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Truth
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.