Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap