The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
❤️🦆
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
This why you should mind your business
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
It do be feeling this way.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
