Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

cat faces on other animals, a thread

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Stop sending me this shit.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”