The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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3.
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5.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.