Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min