The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
