The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
murder on the timeline
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Just me?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house