The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
This is a genius move
How is it still this week?