Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.