The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”