The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.