The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”