Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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My therapist asked me, “How would leaving twitter make you feel?”
I replied by asking him, “How would switching therapists make you feel?”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.
You Had One Job
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE